


All Of Me

by sciencefictioness



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Love Triangle Resolved With Polyamory, M/M, Past Character Death, Post-Canon, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-27
Updated: 2017-03-17
Packaged: 2018-07-10 13:55:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6987709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sciencefictioness/pseuds/sciencefictioness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“How long are you going to keep doing this? It’s not fair to me, Levi.”</p><p>“Forever, probably.  Until you stop coming.”  </p><p>His words were not slurred, the alcohol long gone from his system.  Levi was sober, and Eren was grateful, because it was so much worse when he was drunk.  He never tried to touch Eren, or hold him, or kiss him.  But sometimes he cried, and it made Eren ache in a place he didn’t feel much anymore.  It was nostalgic in the worst way, and he was glad for Levi’s sobriety today.</p><p>“You’ve gotta stop coming here.  It’s cruel, to me and Jean both.  To yourself, too.”</p><p>“I just need to hear it today.  One more time.  Please.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lasting

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this on tumblr awhile back and decided it was too damn sad so I'm gonna finish this up, quickly, with poly Eren. Also someone wanted to continue it with their own spin, which I don't always like, but they were kind enough to ask permission and show me their work first so it's all good. So this is for reference for their piece and also because I'm weak and want a happy ending.

A knock sounded out on his door, and Eren groaned, rolling over to bury his face in the pillow. It was his day off, after weeks of training cadets and working with new officers. Jean clutched blindly at Eren as he tried to get out of bed, making a frustrated noise before mumbling into his back.

“Tell them to go away. We haven’t had a day off in over a month.” 

Eren extricated himself from Jean’s grasp, pulling on a pair of pants before opening the door, rubbing at his eyes blearily. Hange stood there, an apologetic look on her face, and she did not even need to say anything for Eren to know why she had come. Not wearing that expression.

“How long has he been gone?” She shrugged, scratching at her head.

“He left sometime last night, drunk as fuck. Geared up and left from the top of walls. He’s been gone ever since, and I can’t find him. You could just tell me where he is, and I’ll go myself. I’d like to know where he heads off to when he gets like this.” 

Eren shook his head. There was only one place Levi would be, and if he was there, he would not want to see Hange. Or anyone else, for that matter.

This was his way of forcing Eren to look at him, to speak to him. To acknowledge he still existed, especially now that he’d been pushed into retirement by Erwin.

“No. I’ll go. Thanks, Hange.” He shut the door, pulling on his clothes and digging out his harness for the first time in a couple of weeks. They still trained new scouts on the gear, even now that the titans had been defeated, just in case. They could never be totally sure they were all gone, and it would be a disaster to abandon the 3D gear entirely only to have one show up inside the gates. Gates that were always open, yet when Levi left, it was from the ramparts. Flying through the trees as he always had, but usually drunk now, wobbling atop high branches and falling, only to have his cables save him time and time again. Jean sat up in bed, scowling as Eren pulled his boots on over his harness, lacing them up tight.

“Going to chase after your captain again, then?” Eren sighed, standing up and donning his jacket.

“He’s not my captain anymore Jean. Don’t do this.”

“All he has to do is head outside the walls and linger for a few hours, and you’re falling all over yourself to check on him. He does this for attention. Your attention. You know it’s true, and you still go after him every time.” 

Jean was right, and Eren knew it. 

If he knew where Levi headed each time, he might not fight Eren so hard when this happened.

“I’ll be back in a couple of hours. I’ll bring us food for the day, and I promise I will not leave this fucking room until we go back to work tomorrow morning. Okay?” 

Jean laid back down with a huff, pulling the blankets up by his face, even though Eren knew he wouldn’t be going back to sleep.

“Do whatever you want. You always do anyway. Always have.” Eren couldn’t help but smile, fighting the urge to go back to the bed and ruffle Jean’s hair. The gesture would not be appreciated, not right now, and he called out instead.

“I love you.” The answer was muffled by pillows, but audible all the same.

“Love you too, stupid.”

………..

He found Levi in the same place he always did, sitting on the ground in the woods a few miles outside of Wall Maria. In the center of circle of stone blades. Statues. A memorial, for all the scouts who had fallen here in the final battle against the titans. 

There was a stone there bearing Mikasa’s name. Armin’s. Connie, Sasha. Historia. Ymir, who’d finally come to fight by Historia’s side, only to join her in death. Of the 104th, only Eren and Jean remained. Most of the scouts who’d died here, their deaths had been unavoidable. 

Mikasa and Armin, though. Levi could have saved them. There had been a moment in the battle, one that stretched on endlessly in Eren’s memory, time frozen, where Levi had a choice. To protect Eren, or to save his family, and the part that hurt the most was he had not even hesitated. Had flown to Eren’s rescue while Armin and Mikasa were swallowed whole, no shifter blood running in their veins to save them as it had Eren. No one else had seen, not Hange, or Erwin, or Jean. But Eren saw, and no matter how much he loved Levi, he could hardly look at him now without seeing their faces. Terrified as a titan’s jaws closed over them, eyes wide, mouths open.

Staring right at Eren, arms outstretched. 

He’d forgiven Levi, because he could not honestly say he wouldn’t have done the same thing. Save Levi over all the others, no matter what. It did not make it possible to crawl back into his arms, into his bed, and forget. Eren thought maybe if he’d given it some time, he would come to terms with it. It was not Levi’s fault, he had not done anything wrong.

Just made the choice he would regret the least, and now they all lived with it everyday. A weight on their shoulders, ashes in their mouths. But even a year later, two years, three, and Eren knew it was impossible. There was no way for them to be whole again, not as they were before. So he’d stopped fighting it, and it was easier than he’d expected to fall in love with Jean. Like putting on old clothes you thought you’d outgrown, only to find them worn in, soft in all the right places.

Eren still loved Levi. He knew it, and Levi knew it. Jean, too, though he never said anything. But love was not always enough, and Eren finally landed next to Levi in the grass, sitting down back to back. Leaning into him, and Levi leaned hard in return, head falling back onto Eren’s shoulder. Raven locks brushing over his cheeks, and Eren could feel the tension melt out of him in a rush.

“How long are you going to keep doing this? It’s not fair to me, Levi.” 

“Forever, probably. Until you stop coming.” 

His words were not slurred, the alcohol long gone from his system. Levi was sober, and Eren was grateful, because it was so much worse when he was drunk. He never tried to touch Eren, or hold him, or kiss him. But sometimes he cried, and it made Eren ache in a place he didn’t feel much anymore. It was nostalgic in the worst way, and he was glad for Levi’s sobriety today.

“You’ve gotta stop coming here. It’s cruel, to me and Jean both. To yourself, too.”

“I just need to hear it today. One more time. Please.” Eren sighed yet again, and the words came out like he’d never stopped saying them.

“I love you, Levi. I always will.” 

Levi trembled at the sound of Eren’s voice, and the brunet did all he could not to look, not to see. Not to notice the tear that leaked out of Levi’s eye. Not to feel it on his neck.

“I love you too.”

Not enough. It was not enough. Neither one of them spoke, just sat in silence surrounded by the ghosts of the dead. The titans had fallen, the walls opened up, the people free.

All of them but Levi.


	2. Still

Jean was sitting up in their bed when Eren returned, his chest still aching from the way Levi had looked when he’d left him.  Eren had forced Levi to come back inside the walls with him, and once he’d gotten the man to his house, Levi was dead on his feet.  He’d collapsed into bed, and Eren didn’t have it in himself to leave Levi like that, harness and gear still on, mud clinging to his boots.  So Eren took everything off, tucking Levi’s equipment neatly away despite the relative chaos of the rest of his home and pulling the blankets up around him.  There were clothes in Levi’s floor, and teacups scattered all over the place, most of them with the bite of whiskey lingering under the softer scent of Levi’s favorite blend of herbs.  His sheets were dirty even before his shoes left traces of mud on them, something that looked like blood streaked over the fabric in places, and only then did Eren notice that Levi’s knuckles were scabbed and swollen.  

 

Like he’d been fighting, or punching a wall, or both, and Eren wondered how much of the Levi he’d known was left.  Wondered at how thoroughly Levi was destroying himself in his absence.  It was unsettling, how Levi was falling apart, and Eren couldn’t understand.

 

He wasn’t worth someone breaking themselves this way.

 

With a heavy heart and feet that wanted to drag, and Eren headed back to Jean.

 

Jean who was looking at him with eyes that saw too much, and Eren set the bags of food he was carrying down on the table in their shared quarters without breaking his intense stare.

 

“What?” Eren asked, and didn’t want an answer, a lump forming in his throat.

 

“Where’d you leave him?”  Eren sighed, shrugging, because Jean didn’t have to ask.  He already knew where Eren left Levi.

 

The same place he always did.

 

“At home.  He’s passed out.”  Jean sighed then, rubbing a palm over his face, suddenly looking a thousand years old.  “WHAT, Jean?  Are we doing this again?”  Jean gazed at Eren like he would a child he was ready to scold, and Eren bristled at the condescension there even before he started talking.

 

“You took him home, and you unstrapped his gear and took off his harness and put him in bed.  Bet there’s a glass of water waiting on his bedside table when he wakes up.”  Eren felt misplaced guilt wash over him, all of it visible on his face, because that was exactly what he’d done.  He’d put Jean to bed drunk or hungover enough times that he knew Eren’s habits, knew he would treat Levi with exactly that much care.  

 

Eren couldn’t turn off his emotions like a switch.  Not even after all these years.

 

“I didn’t fuck him, if that’s what you’re implying.”  It wasn’t, Eren knew, but he wasn’t sure what else to say.  Jean just seemed tired, his voice more like an exhale, every word exasperated.

 

“I know you didn’t.  You wouldn’t look so fucking depressed if you had.  But you still love him.”   There was no accusation in it, no hostility, no rancor.  Jean was stating a fact, something he knew to be true, and Eren couldn’t deny it.

 

He loved Levi with all that he was.  Loved Jean that way, too.

 

Couldn’t cast either one aside, even if it was destroying him.

 

“I never said I didn’t.  You knew that a year ago when we started all this.  It’s not the same as what I feel for you.”  Jean laughed but there was no joy in it, and he ran his hands through his hair, tugging it out in a dozen directions.  Then he pinned Eren in place with his stare and continued, every syllable falling from his mouth like a stone.

 

Eren felt buried in them.

 

“Yes it is.  You’re lying to yourself if you think otherwise.  You feel just as much for him as you did before we beat the titans.  I can see it when you look at him.  I can’t do this anymore, Eren.  I can’t watch you tear yourself in half this way.  There’s less and less of you every day.  You’re just as bad as Levi.  You’re barely here anymore, you just wear it better, and that’s probably my fault.”

 

Something cold churned in Eren’s guts, a suffocating feeling climbing into his lungs.  It was the same thing he’d felt four years ago when he realized he couldn’t stay with Levi anymore.  There was no air for him to breathe, no ground to stand on, no light to see by.

 

He was drowning at the ends of the earth, alone and blind and torn to pieces.  Eren wasn’t sure how he got the words out, but they tasted like blood and ashes and he felt sick at the sound of them.

 

As though by saying it out loud made it more real.

 

“Are you…  Are you leaving me, Jean?  Is that what this is?”  Jean’s eyes went wide and horrified, and he stood up from the bed and crossed the room, a hand pressed to either side of Eren’s face.  Thumbs on his cheekbones, fingers easing into his hair, more gently than Jean should be capable of but so familiar to Eren that he felt his eyes stinging.  He wanted to recoil from the touch, didn’t want it if it was a goodbye, but what if it was the last time he felt Jean’s hands on him?

 

Eren leaned into it, hands fisted at his sides, whole body strung tight with tension.

 

“NO!  Fuck, no, that’s not it!  I’m not that selfless.”  Jean’s thumbs moved back and forth over Eren’s skin, and he reached up to comb through wild russet strands, brushing them back behind Eren’s ear.  “But I love you enough to know that you need him, just as much as you need me.  I can’t say that I like it, or that I’m happy about it, but I don’t like watching you drift away like this, either.”  Jean dropped his hands, gesturing at the bags on the table and sitting back down on the bed in a heap.  “So you need to take all this food, and go back to Levi’s house, and crawl in bed with him until he wakes up.”

 

“Jean-”  Jean cut him off, loud and commanding, almost the same voice he used with cadets that didn’t quite understand what it was to listen instead of speak.  Eren felt chastised, and that tone forced him into silence even as his head spun.

“You need to tell him that he’s going to have to share you with me, because I can’t just be the better man and hand you over to him.  I need you, too.  He loves you enough, he won’t even hesitate.  He’d cut off his fucking arm if you asked him to.  Just go.  Tell him you’re sorry for being such a dumbass.  Maybe see if you can get him to take a bath, he smelled like a fucking dog who sleeps in a whiskey barrel last time I got within six feet of him.”

 

Eren was quiet, brows furrowing in confusion, Jean’s words spinning through his head.  Quiet mostly because he didn’t know what to say, what to think, what to feel.  He wanted to think he’d misunderstood.  Misheard.  Misinterpreted.  Because it sounded like Jean was telling Eren to run back into Levi’s arms, and then come home afterwards like nothing had happened.

 

As though he hadn’t betrayed Jean.  As though it would all be okay.

 

Eren didn’t know what to say, so he said the first thing that came to mind.  His rote answer, one he gave himself time and time again when he was clutching at his chest in the night and wondering why Levi wasn’t there beside him.

 

“I can’t.”  Jean did not miss a beat, like he’d expected Eren’s response. Like it was inevitable.

 

“Why not?”

 

“He let them die, Jean.  Let both of them die.”  Not a flicker of surprise.  Jean’s eyes went soft, and serious, and his voice was almost affectionate.  There was gratitude in it, and it sounded strange coming out of Jean’s mouth.

 

Especially considering they were talking about Levi.

 

“He also kept you alive.  I can’t blame him for that, Eren.  You shouldn’t either.”  Eren’s hands fisted open and closed and open again, wanting to strike out at something though he wasn’t sure what he wanted to hit.  Levi, maybe.

 

Jean probably, in that moment anyway.

 

Four years, and Eren still couldn’t lay everything aside.

 

“It doesn’t matter.  I don’t matter.  He should have saved them.  He should have-”  Jean stood again, shrugging, elbows bent and palms facing the ceiling.

 

“So kill him.”  Careless, and offhand, like he hadn’t just suggested Eren kill one of the men he loved.

 

“No!  I’m not going to fucking-”  Jean pointed towards the closet where they kept their blades, still clean and shining and maintained even in disuse.  Jean was too loud, and too calm, and Eren felt himself shaking inside.

  
Felt like he would shake apart and scatter across the floor at Jean’s feet.

 

“Take a sword, and take him to the stones, and cut his head off.  He’ll kneel for you to do it.  He’ll fucking follow you out there, and tell you he loves you, and that he forgives you and understands.  He’ll let you kill him, because he’s fucking  _ wasted  _ without you.  He’s pathetic, and I can’t even hold it against him, because I would be, too, if it were me.”  

 

Eren’s reply was instantaneous, annoyance leaking into it, because Jean knew he wouldn’t hurt Levi.  Didn’t want him to.  Would have stopped Eren, had he really tried to act on Jean’s goading.

 

“I’m not going to kill Levi.  I can’t.”

 

“Then stop being a fucking idiot, and go tell him you forgive him.  Take your uniform with you, and I’ll see you at breakfast in the mess hall tomorrow, and if you’re late I’ll fucking tear you apart in front of the cadets, I swear to fuck.”

 

Eren stood there with the world twisting sideways around him, lips pulled back from his teeth, forehead knitted with confusion.  

 

“Do you really want me to go fuck Levi, Jean?”  He chose words that were deliberately harsh, waiting to see the disgust on Jean’s face.  Waiting for him to recoil, to recant.  Waiting for him to realize exactly what it was he was suggesting.

 

Jean shrugged instead, and looked both victorious and defeated all at once.

 

“I want you to be happy.  And you’re not, and it’s killing me.  It’s killing you, too.  You’re just too fucking stubborn to admit it.  I wanted to tell you a month ago when you came back from dragging Levi home, but I… wasn’t ready, I guess.  I am now.  It’s this, or nothing.  I share you or I lose you, and I don’t want to lose you, Eren.” 

 

Jean was wearing an expression that Eren hadn’t seen in years.  Not since they were picking up bodies from the battlefield, hoping to find a soldier who was still breathing.  Someone.  Anyone.  Desperation, and resignation.  Pleading.

 

Jean was  _ pleading _ .

 

“I couldn’t forget what he did back then.  I looked at him sometimes and saw them dying.  Nothing’s different now.  You can’t ask this of me.”  

 

Jean was in his face then, one hand sliding back into his hair, so carefully that the Eren’s throat hurt.

 

“ _ You’re _ different now.  You know what it’s like to be without Levi.  You know how miserable you are, how much it hurts to watch him disappear into a bottle.  And I see them, too.  I see them every time I pass over the walls, or walk through the gates.  When I’m training the cadets on the gear.  When you turn titan, I almost expect to look around and see Mikasa on your shoulder, or Armin flying towards us.  There’s a little blond soldier who just graduated that looks so much like Armin I almost called him the wrong name.  There’s a girl with an ugly brown scarf that I always catch myself staring at.”  

 

There were tears in Jean’s eyes, and his jaw shuddered under the strain of keeping himself together.   One trickled down Eren’s cheek, and he took a shivering breath, because he couldn’t let them fall in earnest.

 

He wasn’t sure they’d ever stop.  Jean kept talking, and Eren wished he wouldn’t, but he listened all the same.  He owed Jean that, at least, the courtesy of his silence.

“They are  _ everywhere _ , because we carry them around with us.  That’s never gonna go away.  I don’t want it to.  But they wouldn’t want you to keep blaming Levi after all this time.  It’s not his fault.  It’s making you suffer just as much as he is, and I can’t watch anymore.  I won’t.”  Jean leaned in and kissed away the tear on Eren’s cheek, lips quivering against his skin.  When he pulled away Jean was still so close Eren felt his words, warm against his face.  “So go to Levi, and put yourself back together.  And when you come back here, I’ll have all of you again, instead of what’s left of you.”

 

Eren could feel the emotion rising in him like a storm.  Anger, and sadness.  Guilt and frustration and disbelief.  He was choking on it, and before it all poured out of his mouth to set Jean on fire, he turned and ran.

 

Eren didn’t go to Levi.  He went back to the stones with Mikasa and Armin’s names on them.  Eren curled up on the ground, and wept, and wondered if Jean would be there when he went  home.

 

……….

 

For the next month it felt like Eren was living with a stranger.  A stranger who slept next to him, who nuzzled into his throat with a sigh when the candles were put out, who ran familiar hands through his hair when he couldn’t find rest, but a stranger nonetheless.  Jean kissed him goodbye in the mornings, and ate next to him in the mess hall, but it wasn’t the same.  Their conversations were brief and forced, their touches light and absent heat.  The air between them was thick and hard to breathe through, and sometimes Eren found himself gasping when he stepped out of their room.

 

When they happened to see Levi, always with Hange dragging him around, Jean would stare at Levi for a moment too long.  Eren couldn’t take it when Jean turned back to face him.  He always looked so fucking disappointed.

 

Eren’s nightmares got worse, but it wasn’t dreams of his friends’ deaths like it used to be.  Not memories.

 

No, in his dreams now Eren was a titan, and he held Levi in his fist.  Brought him up to his mouth.

 

Crushed him between his jaws, and when he woke up gasping out Levi’s name with tears in his eyes, Jean held Eren tight and rocked him back and forth.  Stroked his hair, and rubbed his back, and shushed him.

 

_ You can fix this, love _ , but it took weeks of bad dreams and aching loneliness for Eren to accept that Jean was right.  

 

Weeks more to come to terms with the idea that he could, maybe, have both of the people he loved most.  Still he didn’t go to Levi, didn’t talk to him.  Barely looked at him.  Deciding Jean was right was one thing, but acting on that decision was something else entirely.

 

Then Hange knocked on his door one evening, the sun dropping low in the sky, and Eren felt himself letting out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

 

One he’d kept in for six weeks, everything that had been coiled within him shaking loose.  Jean had Eren’s gear out before the door was even closed, shoving boots and leather into his arms.  Eren just held onto it for a moment, forlorn, until Jean reached out and hugged him.  Awkwardly, his harness and shoes between them, face nestled in Eren’s throat.

 

“ _Don’t_ _think_.  Don’t think, just go, and I’ll be here when you come back.  Tomorrow.”  Eren laughed, but it sounded like a sob, and his words were barely there.

 

“We work tomorrow.  I’m supposed to shift for the trainees.”

 

“Take the day off.  I’m your commanding officer, I order you to stop being a shit and just  _ go _ .”

 

Eren got dressed, and when he was ready to leave Jean kissed him and thrust a backpack into his hand.  Jean all but shoved him out the door, and a peek inside the bag revealed clothes and fruit and an extra toothbrush.  There was also some shampoo and soap, a note tied to the bar with a piece of string.

 

_ I’m serious, make him take a fucking bath. _

 

Eren didn’t cry, but it was close, and he was glad no one was there to see.

 

……….

 

Eren couldn’t remember ever smiling when he came to the stones.  It was usually to retrieve Levi, although the scouts occasionally held ceremonies there, but they were always serious affairs.  When he landed in front of Levi this time, though, Eren felt himself grinning.  Levi cocked his head, squinting through the fading light, not quite sure what to make of his expression.  

 

“Eren?”

 

Eren walked over to Levi and sat down in front of him, close enough that their legs were tangled together, and did what came naturally.

 

He pulled Levi into his arms, face buried in his neck, breathing him in.

 

Jean was right.  Levi smelled awful, like bad booze and old clothes, but Eren didn’t even care.  Levi’s arms went around him instantly, and he quaked in Eren’s embrace, trying to press impossibly closer.  Eren whispered, finding his voice wouldn’t come out any louder, and he hoped it was clear enough that Levi could hear.

 

“I’m sorry.”  Levi sucked in a breath, a drunken hiccup accompanying his slurred words.

 

“Fell ‘sleep, I guess.  This is nice though.  Wonder ‘f you finally stopped coming.  Left me out at the stones for good this time.  S’okay, I forgive you.  Jus’ stay here while I sleep.”

 

Then Levi went still, and slack, snoring into Eren’s clothes.  He still couldn’t stop smiling, even as Levi drooled onto his shoulder.

 

He carried Levi home, and bathed him as best he could with Jean’s soap.  It was like bathing an unruly dog, Levi drifting in and out of awareness, flailing sporadically in the tub and sloshing water all over the place.  When he was done Eren dressed Levi in the only clean pajamas he could find, and changed his filthy sheets before tucking him into bed.  Eren picked up his bedroom, and washed his dishes, and swept his floors, listening to Levi’s soft snores echoing through the house.   Stuffed his dirty laundry in the hamper, and threw away all the candle stumps that had piled up on Levi’s tables.  Eren put everything in order, maybe not up to Levi’s former standards, but it was certainly an improvement over his current ones.

 

Eren wished he could put Levi back together that easily.  Wished it were a matter of brushing aside the past like cobwebs and wiping them both clean.

 

Eren put a glass of water on Levi’s bedside table, climbed under the blankets with him, and thought of Jean.   

 

Thought of how he wasn’t worthy of him.  How Jean deserved someone so much better, but Eren would be damned if he gave him the chance.  

 

Even drunk and lost to dreams, Levi reached for Eren and clung tight.

 

……………

 

The sun shone far too bright in Levi’s windows to let Eren sleep as late as he might normally have on a day off, but he couldn’t really be upset about it.  Not with Levi holding onto him like his life depended on it, lying almost on top of Eren, mouth hanging open gracelessly.  He considered getting up to make them breakfast, but Eren had his doubts about the state of Levi’s pantry.  

 

Plus he really wanted to see Levi’s face when he woke up, and no hunger lurking in his guts or fullness in his bladder was pressing enough to force Eren out from beneath the blankets.  So he threaded his fingers through Levi’s messy hair, and tried not to picture Jean in their bed alone, and waited for Levi to stir.

 

It wasn’t that long before he started to shift in Eren’s arms.  First he pressed closer, hands fisting in Eren’s clothes, face shoved into his chest.  Then Levi went painfully still, breath catching in his throat, and he blinked up at Eren through red rimmed eyes with dark shadows swirling beneath them.  There was a moment where Levi seemed lost, and later he would tell Eren he’d thought he might have been dreaming.

 

Except he didn’t feel like shit in his dreams, and Levi said the first thing that came to mind.

 

“What are you doing here?”  Eren smiled and laid a palm over Levi’s cheek, felt his eyes grow wet against his will.

 

“Fixing things.  Fixing us.”  Tears pooled in Levi’s eyes, too, but he didn’t try and hold them at bay like Eren did.  Just let them fall, brows knotted together, and Eren thumbed the tears away one after another.

 

“And Jean?”  Eren shrugged, and kissed Levi’s forehead,  trying to soothe the tension there.

 

“Fixing him, too, I guess.  I’m still with Jean.  He says you have to share, that if you can do it so can he.  It’s a lot to ask of you-”  Levi shook his head, face buried in Eren’s chest, arms brutally tight around him.

 

“It’s not.  It’s not a lot to ask.”  It was, though, and Eren knew it was going to be harder than either Jean or Levi anticipated, but that was okay.  If they were willing, Eren would try.

 

Would do almost anything to keep them both.  To keep himself in once piece.  Keep Levi and Jean whole, if he was able.

 

Levi cried, and there nothing cute or soft about it.  He was loud, and messy, and when he finally calmed down Eren dragged him to the market to restock his kitchen.  They ate, and washed Levi’s clothes, and then Eren tugged him back into bed.

 

He undressed Levi as though he was made of glass, and worked him until he shook with need.  Kissed him and stroked him and fingered him open, then sank between his thighs while Levi gasped out his name.  They whispered _ I love you’s _ against each other’s skin, and Levi trembled and whined at the words.  Eren had to leave later, had return to Jean, had to make sure he hadn’t broken something precious as he put Levi back together.

 

So he painted Levi’s throat black and blue with his mouth, and left bites inside of Levi’s thighs for him to wear while Eren was gone.  Eren didn’t argue when Levi put his shirt on afterwards instead of seeking his own clothes.  It fell halfway to his knees, sleeves swallowing up Levi’s hands, collar loose on his shoulders.  It was adorable, and when Eren smiled at the sight Levi didn't even care.  He left Levi in bed wearing his shirt, his lips swollen from Eren’s kisses, his body aching from Eren’s touch.

 

Then he went back to his quarters at the barracks, and Jean was there, looking tired but no worse for wear.

 

Jean kissed him, and it was Eren’s turn to cry grateful tears, wet and noisy and so unattractive.

 

And Jean undressed him as though he was made of glass, and took Eren slow in a bed that smelled like home.

 

They whispered _ I love you’s _ into each other’s mouths, and when Eren fell asleep, he did not dream.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Lingering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mentions of alcoholism and withdrawals.
> 
> People tend to associate heroin with withdrawals, and while that's probably the worst kind of withdrawals to go through, alcoholism withdrawals can be more serious than one would think. I've seen people have seizures and hallucinate coming off of years of drinking cold turkey. It's not fun. So just, a fair warning here.

Three days after he sent Eren to Levi’s, well past dinner time, there was a soft knock at the door.  Too quiet to be Eren, though he wouldn’t be knocking anyway.  If his arms were full of something he would’ve just kicked at it and bellowed, and it was too soon for him to be coming back from Hange’s lab.  She always kept him working late when they had their little sessions, taking his blood for tests, asking him questions about his most recent shifts, picking his brain.  After losing Moblit, Eren was never very keen on telling her enough was enough with her experiments, and Jean couldn’t really blame him.  He frowned as he crossed the room and opened to door, only to find Levi there.

 

Leaning against the frame, sweating, seeming worse for wear.  Like he hadn’t slept at all, shadows dark under his eyes, skin flushed, hair damp and messy.  When he glanced up he eyed Jean warily, standing straighter and looking vaguely like he wanted to run.  Jean knew he’d see Levi again sooner or later, and he thought he was ready for just how awkward things would be between them.  

 

It was so much worse than he’d anticipated.  Maybe it was because Jean hadn’t been expecting to see Levi right then.  Eren had gone to his house for dinner every night, whether it was to spend time with Levi or make sure he was actually eating and taking care of himself, Jean didn’t really know.  

 

He knew Eren came home from Levi’s with his hair wilder than usual, his clothes wrinkled, and Jean thought the realization that someone other than him had taken them off would be painful.  It wasn’t.  It was… reassuring, somehow, that things between them weren’t complicated too much by the time they’d spent apart, and his own reaction troubled him more than the mental image of Levi undressing his lover.  Then again he’d been wrestling with the idea for months and months before bringing it up to Eren, trying to come to terms with it.  Jean had known once he crossed that particular line there would be no going back on it.  

 

It had been worth it in the end, even if things might get harder before they got easier.  Eren was an entirely different person, his whole demeanor shifting starkly in just a few days.  Bright eyed and smiling and _ alive,  _ in a way Jean hadn’t seen in what felt like ages.  Happier, and any sacrifice he had to make for that happiness, Jean would make without hesitation.

 

But there was no reason for Levi to be showing up at Jean’s door.  Eren told him he would be working late that day, surely.  

 

Or maybe not.  It was Eren, after all.  Jean resisted the urge to fidget in place, unsure of where to put his hands, or how he was supposed to act around Levi, now.  He didn’t hold any ill will towards him.  The jealousy he might have once felt had long ago fizzled out in the face of just how totally he’d fallen apart in Eren’s absence.  He couldn’t blame Levi for needing Eren so fiercely.

 

Jean knew what that felt like.

 

“Uhh…  Eren’s not home yet.  He’s still at Hange’s.  I don’t really know when he’ll be back.”  

 

Levi frowned at him, opening his mouth to speak and then wincing.  He leaned forward for a minute, as though nauseated, before pulling himself upright again.

 

“He’s not here?”  Jean shook his head, shrugging apologetically.  “Fuck.  Okay.  I’m sorry.  For coming here, I don’t mean to… intrude, or anything.  I just… shit, I’ll go.  Tell Eren… no, don’t tell him anything, don’t tell him I came by.  I’ll see him tomorrow I guess.”  

 

It should have been comforting, that Levi obviously didn’t know how to act around him, either.  

 

It wasn’t.  Levi turned, weaving a bit on his feet before steadying himself with a palm against the wall.  He reached up with his free hand and pressed a palm into his eye, holding it there.

 

“Are you okay?  Are you… drunk, or something?”  It felt like an accusation, when Jean didn’t really mean it that way.  Levi snorted in answer, shaking his head, still clutching at his face.

 

“No.  No, I’m not.  Which is the problem, I guess.  My own fault.  Didn’t really realize it was this bad.  Anyway.”  Levi laughed the last word, a dark unpleasant sound, and started walking away.

 

“Wait, Levi just…  come inside, wait for him.  He’ll be here before too long.”

 

Jean didn’t have a fucking clue when he’d be home.  

 

“No, it’s fine, I don’t want-”

 

“You look like shit.  Eren would be fucking pissed if he thought I let you leave when you seem like you’re about to fall over.  You’re shaking, for fuck’s sake.”

 

He was, too.   There was a fine tremor in his hands, and if Jean hadn’t watched him wield a blade for so long, he probably wouldn’t have noticed.  Levi looked feverish, like a heavy wind would knock him off his feet.

 

Levi looked  _ weak, _ and it unsettled Jean somehow, even after all that had happened.  He remembered when Levi seemed invincible.  Forged in fire, made of steel.

 

Watching him shatter was inconceivable, but he’d spent the last year and a half doing exactly that, and Jean was tired of it.  

 

Levi was human just like everyone else.  He had his breaking point, and it was only because he’d been forced to rock bottom that Jean had gotten with Eren in the first place.  Levi had suffered for doing what he thought was right, and Jean had found some small piece of happiness as a result.

 

He couldn’t let him leave right then.  Not after spending all that time in bed with the man Levi loved, Eren warm and real in his arms while Levi slept alone.  Numbing himself in any way he could, and now that he didn’t need it anymore, he was enduring the consequences.

 

It wasn’t Jean’s fault, but it wasn’t Levi’s either, and he couldn’t stay silent when Levi started to argue.

 

“No, I- I’m fine.  It’ll be okay.  I.. just-”

 

Jean stepped out into the hallway, crossing the distance between them to put a hand on his shoulder.  He startled at the touch but didn’t shrug it off, watching Jean with nervous apprehension.

 

“Levi, stop.  It’s fine.  I’m not…  I don’t hate you.  I don’t hold any of this against you.  You care about Eren, and he cares about you.  That’s not a bad thing.  With the shit we’ve been through, I think he deserves all the happiness he can get.  And he’s definitely not going to be fucking happy with me if I let you walk away looking like you’d be better off in a damn hospital bed than at home alone.  Come inside.  Sit your ass down, drink some water, eat something.”

 

Levi didn’t reply, but his expression was answer enough, something between guilt and disbelief.  He let himself be led into Jean and Eren’s quarters, damn near falling down into the chair next to the bed.  As soon as he was off his feet some of his composure slipped, and he bent over until his head was between his knees, hands fisted in his hair.

 

“You been sleeping?”  He shook his head, still sunk down into himself.  “You been eating?”  Levi shrugged helplessly from his prone position.

 

“When Eren comes over for dinner, I eat a little with him so he doesn’t get worried.  It’s hard to stomach much food right now.  I feel sick.”

 

Jean poured some fresh water into a cup and brought it to him, nudging Levi’s hand with it to get his attention.  He took it without looking, sitting up and drinking a little, hands still shaking. 

 

“So I guess you don’t want anything to eat then?  We have some fruit.  Some bread, some jerky.  That’s about it.”  Levi pulled a face, sipping at the water slowly and shaking his head again.  He cringed when he did so, reaching up to palm at his eye, like rubbing it would soothe the ache inside.  “Your head hurts?  You want something for that?  I think I have some painkillers that Hange gave me.”

 

Levi looked strangely at Jean, like he was puzzled, and finally nodded.

 

“Yeah.  If uh… it’s not too much trouble.”

 

Jean rolled his eyes, getting a couple of pills out of a bottle in their bathroom drawer and giving them to Levi.  He stood hovering next to him after he took the medicine, brows drawn together.

 

“Have you talked to Hange about this?  Or a doctor, or something?  You seem pretty bad off.”  Levi scoffed, smirking up at him.

 

“Yeah, you made it fairly clear how shitty I’m doing, thanks.  And no, I am not going to talk to Hange about this, she will be up my ass for the next week if I do.  It’ll pass, in a few days, or so I’m told.  I didn’t expect it to be this bad, though.”  

 

Jean reached out and laid his palm against Levi’s forehead, moving with Levi when he jerked back at the touch.  His skin was on fire, so hot that Jean’s first thought was of Eren’s titan, and the steam that rolled off of him sometimes when they first pulled him out in the beginning.  Jean couldn’t ever remember feeling a normal person with such a high fever.  Not that he spent a lot of time nursing people, but still.

 

“Fuck, Levi.  You’re burning up.”  Levi pulled further away, but the movement seemed to leave him disoriented.  He swayed in the chair a bit, and Jean shook his head and headed towards the fireplace, filling their teapot with water and setting it over the flame.  “I’m going to make you some tea for your fever.  Lay down or something.  Eren’s gonna be pissed that you were this sick and tried to hide it from him.”

 

“I wasn’t trying to hide it.  I’m not  _ that  _ sick.”  He made no move to get out of his chair.  Sat up straighter, as if to prove his point.

 

Then he bent double, hissing as he clutched at his head, fingers quaking.

 

“Uh huh.  I’m completely convinced.  Take your boots off and lay the fuck down, _ Captain Levi, _ sir.”

 

Jean owed Levi more than he really liked thinking about.  His life, on more than one occasion, not to mention his sanity.  Jean had killed his fair share of enemies who weren’t fifteen feet tall, and Levi had been there afterwards almost without fail.  Maybe he hadn’t had a lot of words for 

Jean, or the others, but the few he spoke always managed to be exactly what Jean needed to hear.  He owed Levi the breath in his lungs, the blood in his veins, the beating of his heart.

 

The lover in his bed.  The peace of quiet mornings coiled with Eren.  The soft sound of his breathing, the warm taste of his mouth.  Things he’d taken from Levi once, without meaning to, and even if he’d given them back it didn’t erase the sting.

 

A sting Levi was still feeling, shaking and sweating and periodically rocking in place, and Jean would do anything he could to ease it for him.

 

Levi glared at Jean for a while, but when he didn’t wither under the stare, Levi kicked his shoes off in defeat and sat down awkwardly on the edge of their bed.  It wasn’t made, was  _ never  _ made, covers folded down into a messy pile of blankets.  He’d never seen Levi look as uncomfortable as he did in that moment, and Jean glanced over his shoulder while he worked at making the tea.

 

“Eren sleeps on that side, if that helps any.”

 

Jean’s chest hurt when Levi looked down at the bed with longing, fingers flitting gently over Eren’s pillow.  Lingering reverently in the worn down place where Eren’s head rested.  It was a small thing, one that Jean took for granted, laying down at night with Eren next to him.  He’d only spent one night without Eren there, and his sleep had been fitful and restless.  Jean woke up the next day more exhausted than when he went to sleep, and only after Eren had returned was he really able to relax.  Jean watched Levi nestle into Eren’s spot, face shoved into his pillow, hands sinking into the sheets as though he needed to hold on.

 

Listened to him breathe in, eyes falling closed, something intangible about him unwinding.

 

He was barely awake by the time the tea was finished, and Jean had to coax him upright and force him to drink.  Levi complied, but sluggishly, exhaustion and fever and withdrawals trying to tug him into unconsciousness.  Once the cup was emptied he fell back onto Eren’s pillow and closed his eyes.  Jean thought he was asleep at first, but then he started mumbling.

 

“I didn’t think it would be so hard.  Don’t need the bottle anymore, so I figured it’d be easy to stop.  I got him back, there’s nothing left I need to forget.  I let go of the dead a long time ago.  It’s the living that’ll fuck you up.  Then Eren climbs back into my bed, and I expect to just be  _ fixed. _  So fucking stupid.”

 

He trailed off after a few incoherent phrases Jean couldn’t really make out, settling deeper into the sheets.

 

Jean was beginning to be legitimately worried about him.  Levi still burned with fever, sweat dampening his hair, face twisted into a grimace.  He tossed and turned, making low whimpering sounds, muttering through his dreams.  The tea would bring his temperature down, probably, but it would take a little while to get into his system.  

 

While he waited for the herbs to do their job, Jean grabbed a washcloth and basin of water.  He sat next to Levi on the bed, wetting the cloth and running it across his face, his neck.  He’d be better off if he was cooler, and not wearing long sleeves and thick, heavy pants, but Jean wasn’t about to undress the man.

 

When he tilted Levi’s chin up to swipe the cloth over his neck, there were marks there.  Bruises from Eren’s mouth, some of them outlined with the sharp lines of Eren’s teeth.  Jean ran his fingertips over them, waiting for… something.  Anger, or envy, or sadness.  

 

Warmth bloomed in his chest instead, and Jean shoved it down, unwilling to look too closely at it.

 

So he wiped at Levi’s heated skin with his rag, dipping it in the water from time to time to help keep it cool, and tried to keep himself from imagining Eren and Levi together.  Or remembering, for that matter.  He’d seen enough of it before the titans fell, and afterwards for a time.  Eren pressing kisses to Levi’s hair, or their fingers tangled up together.  The way Levi looked at Eren, fuck, that had never changed.

 

Like he was the whole fucking world.  

 

Jean used to hate it, when he first found himself with Eren.  Now he was just oddly grateful.  Not everyone had a person in their lives who loved them that way, so totally without reservation.  Shameless and unfailing.

 

Eren had two.  He was worth it.  Worth them.

 

When he came through the door little less than an hour later Jean was still on the bed wiping at Levi’s face, trying to cool him off.  The fever had started to drop finally, his skin no longer so hot to the touch.  Jean jumped at the sound of the door opening, feeling guilty for some reason.  Like he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t.  He stubbornly fought the desire to jump off the bed, tossing the cloth into the basin and meeting Eren’s gaze.

 

Eren’s face was awash with confusion, eyes darting from Levi to Jean and back again.

 

“What the hell happened?  Is he okay?”

 

Eren’s voice was loud, as usual, and before Jean could bite back the noise he was  _ shushing  _ him.  He looked at Jean like he had two heads, and Jean just glared in return.  When he spoke it was in a hushed whisper, because Levi had only just fallen still, and he didn’t want to wake him, not when he’d seemed so miserable before.

 

“I dunno.  He’s withdrawing,” Jean said, but it didn’t seem to clear anything up for Eren. He walked to the other side of the bed and sat down, leaning over Levi with a frown.

 

“What do you mean he’s withdrawing?”

 

“Well he’s had his nose buried in a glass of whiskey for a long time now, it’s not really surprising that he’s having a hard time putting it down all at once.  He didn’t talk to you about this?”  

 

“He… he stopped drinking?  I mean, I figured he’d cut back, I haven’t seen him drink the last few days, but I didn’t know he quit.  He didn’t say anything.”

 

Jean rolled his eyes.   _ Of course _ he didn’t say anything.

 

“He showed up a while ago, looking for you.  Looking like _ shit.   _ Sweating, had a crazy fever, all shaky.  When I told him you weren’t here he was gonna leave.  Told me not to mention it to you.  Didn’t want you to worry, I guess, but it didn’t feel right to let him go like that.”

 

Eren brushed Levi’s hair out of his eyes, laying a palm over his forehead.  Glanced over at Jean, expression unreadable.

 

“So you… tucked him in our bed?”  He cut his eyes at the teacup on the desk, then back to Jean.  “Made him tea?  Tried to bring his fever down?”  Jean scowled at him, crossing his arms over his chest.

 

“What the fuck was I supposed to do, let him leave and then not tell you about it?  He looked ready to fall over.”

 

Eren didn’t answer at first.  Then he smiled, soft and sweet, and pulled Jean into his chest.  Hugged him tight, Levi sprawled between them on the bed, Eren’s breathing a little shallow against Jean’s shoulder.  Jean didn’t resist, but he didn’t relax into the embrace either, body stiff and eyes narrowed at nothing in particular.

 

“Thank you.  For taking care of him for me.”  Jean shrugged, and Eren pulled back with eyes that looked wet, but neither of them mentioned it.  “What do you want me to do with him?  I can carry him home, but I don’t think he needs to be alone.  Not if he’s as sick as you say he is.”  Jean shook his head, standing up and rifling through their dresser for his bedclothes.

 

Mostly so he wouldn’t have to keep looking at Eren’s stupid, pleased face.

 

“Leave him where he is, I can lay out a bedroll on the floor.  I don’t think he’s slept at all.  He needs it more.”  Eren blinked at him, head cocked to the side, brows creased.

 

“You’re gonna sleep on the floor?”  

 

“Yeah?  I’ve slept on the ground before, Eren.  I’ve slept in trees, hanging from my fucking gear.  I’ve slept on top of the walls.  It’s not a big deal.”

 

Eren was there pressed into his back suddenly, arms so tight around Jean’s stomach he could barely breathe, words warm on Jean’s throat.

 

“There’s room for the three of us.  Just…  sleep next to me.”  Jean sighed, ready to refuse.

 

Then Eren said, “Please, Jean?”

 

There wasn’t room for the three of them, but Jean crawled in bed next to Eren anyway.  He clung to Eren’s waist, Eren’s arm thrown over Levi’s chest.

 

Eren’s fingers tied up in Jean’s, mouth dusting kisses over Jean’s knuckles.  It felt like a thank you, and Jean’s throat went tight.

 

He didn’t think he was going to sleep.

 

Jean was wrong.

 

But that was nothing new.

  
  
  



	4. Soldiering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This note probably belongs at the beginning of the fic, but better late than never.
> 
> If you're reading this story and thinking, "Love and relationships don't work this way!", I'd ask you keep your opinions to yourself, because as a polyamorous person, it's honestly offensive to me to hear someone say those things. Maybe love and relationships don't work this way for you, but for many poly individuals, they do.
> 
> If you're poly, your love is valid, no matter how many people you feel it for. As long as you're communicating, everything is fine my guys. Anyway, it's been eighty four years, enjoy.

His mouth tasted like acid and sawdust, and the candles were too bright through his eyelids.  Everything was sore.  The sweat he’d been dripping the previous night was dry on his skin, and he’d slept with his arm twisted at a weird angle, pins and needles crawling in the muscle.  The throbbing in his head was a living thing, knifing behind his eyes like steel.  He tried to shift positions and his bones protested, rusted gears grinding against one another.  Aching and dizzy and miserable.  Vile.

 

Levi felt  _ vile. _

 

He’d died, and this was hell.

 

Then strong arms wrapped around him, a wide palm slipping up his stomach and coming to rest on his chest.  Kisses were pressed into the back of his neck.  Lingering.  Warm, open mouthed and wet but not lustful.  A face nuzzled into his hair after that, rubbing back and forth in the tangled strands.  Humming, a smile obvious in the sound even if Levi couldn’t see it there.

 

Eren, shoved in behind him, lavishing him with affection.  Bliss pooled in his stomach, filling up his chest, radiating through him in waves.  

 

Maybe not hell, then.

 

A quiet, sullen part of Levi suggested that he’d lived in hell for most of his life, and was only now crawling out of it.  The underground, the titans, grief.  Ghosts.  Brutal solitude, when the last thing he needed was to be alone.  Things he was struggling to leave behind, even if he’d always bear the scars they’d inflicted on him.  

 

Things he’d tried to drown in drink instead of deal with, but then drowning had its own set of consequences, and now Levi had to drag himself ashore.

 

If it left him with a vaguely unsettling level of codependence, well, he couldn’t shake all his demons at once, and Levi would take the lesser of two evils.  Already his hand was itching to find a bottle.  A few fingers of whiskey would take the edge off the pain in his head, smooth out the shakes in his hand, silence the rumbling disquiet in his thoughts.

 

Already he was thinking just a mouthful, a shot, a glass, and he’d feel better.

 

Just a little.  Just a taste. 

 

Dangerous.

 

Dry for less than a week, and his thoughts were a dangerous place.

 

Levi leaned back into Eren, closing his eyes tighter and shaking his unease away.  He took Eren’s hand and tugged it up to his lips, kissing his knuckles once, twice.  The blankets were heavy but comforting, and Levi felt safe underneath them with Eren nosing through his hair and pawing at his belly.  He rolled over, tucking himself deeper into Eren’s embrace, ready to go back to sleep when the smell of food and the sounds of someone moving around the room managed to break through his drowsiness.

 

His head snapped up, and Levi was briefly disoriented.  Decades later, and no one lived in the underground anymore, but Levi was still haunted.  Still found himself startling and reaching for a knife before his eyes were fully open, but there were no blades under his pillow.

 

Under Eren’s pillow, in Eren’s bed.

 

In Jean’s bed.  Levi blinked, squinting with furrowed brows over his shoulder.

 

Jean was moving around the room, and from the careful way he stepped it was obvious he was trying to be quiet.  The sun wasn’t yet shining through the windows, but barely starting to creep over the horizon, if the light coming in from outside was anything to go by.  A kettle heated over the fire, and there were three trays from the mess hall on the nearby table.  One mostly bare and picked over, the leftovers from Jean’s breakfast, the other two covered with lids. 

 

Jean had brought him food? 

 

He had his uniform pants and shirt on, socked feet padding across the floor, suspenders hanging loose around his thighs.  He’d kicked off his boots by the door, and Levi watched him dig through the drawers of their dresser and start pulling out clothes, tossing them over a chair.  A shirt much too big for his narrow shoulders, pants that wouldn’t be quite long enough.  Eren’s clothes.

 

He was laying out Eren’s clothes for him.

 

It was viciously domestic, and all at once Levi remembered being forced to do the same.  If he wanted Eren to get to drills on time in the mornings, he’d had to get out his clothes, and untangle his harness.  Had to all but beg him to climb out of bed.

 

Nostalgia swept over him, and it wasn’t pain so much as longing.  Levi wanted that again.  Not the uniform, no, fuck, he was so done with all that.     

 

Levi wanted quiet mornings.  Eren’s wild hair.  His drowsy smile, his night rough voice.  Warm skin under worn out blankets.  So mundane.  So ordinary.  An old soldier’s dream come true.

 

Hands without blood on them, sleep without nightmares, a day without the promise of violence.

 

A stolen moment, spent in the arms of a lover who wasn’t solely his, and it wasn’t that Levi minded sharing.  He would’ve suggested it himself a long time ago if he’d thought of it.  If he’d thought Jean would tolerate such a thing.  Before, Levi wouldn’t have really known how something like that would work between the three of them.

 

Still didn’t.  Levi wanted more than an hour or two of Eren’s time at the end of the day.  More than a quick meal, and a slow fuck.  More than just Eren’s brutal honesty afterwards that left Levi feeling raw and exposed.

 

But a wound had to be cleaned before it could heal, and there was still grit buried in the flesh of their history, still dirt in the cuts left by time and distance.  Eren was determined to dig it all out and stitch Levi up, even if it hurt.

 

And god, did it _ hurt. _

 

Levi wasn’t sure where to step in all this to keep from walking all over Jean, or pushing Eren away.

 

Then Jean caught him staring.  He held Levi’s gaze for a few agonizingly long seconds, before running a hand through his hair, nodding at the table and talking low.

 

“Food for you, if you want.  Oatmeal, and bread.  ‘S what Hange said would be easiest to keep down with your uh.... Stomach the way it is, right now.  I made tea, it’s still hot.”  

 

Jean scratched absently at his head, looking between Eren and Levi like he was unsure what to make of it, and then lifted his shoulders in a helpless gesture.  Awkward but not angry.

 

Levi was trying really hard not to put a name to the feeling it elicited in his gut.  Something like fondness, and he cast it aside, unwilling to add to the tangle of things he was struggling to sift through already.

 

Jean turned around, shrugging his suspenders on and donning his uniform jacket before grabbing his boots, sitting down to pull them on as well.  Levi sat up, attempting to work himself free of Eren’s hold and failing.  He ended up with Eren’s arms around his waist, his face nosing against Levi’s side, a noise of complaint whined into the fabric there.

 

“You got nowhere to be, lay back down with me.”  Levi shoved gently at his face, scoffing.

 

_ “You _ have somewhere to be.  You need to dress for morning drills.  And I need to piss.”  Eren refused to be dislodged, clinging tighter to Levi and groaning.

 

“Uggggh, you don’t even hold rank anymore, you can’t make me.”

 

Jean shot Eren a dubious look that spoke volumes.  

 

“I hold rank and you’re still late to drills most of the time.”  

 

Eren ignored him, mumbling something under his breath and snuggling closer until his head was in Levi’s lap.  Levi stroked his hair, trying to muster up a glare.

 

“Eren, get off.  I can’t move.”  

 

It would have been more convincing if he didn’t sound so goddamned lovestruck.  If he hadn’t been petting Eren like a spoiled dog, thumb lingering on his cheekbones, fingertips gently tracing his eyebrows.  

 

“Yeah, good luck with that,” Jean said as he gathered up the scattered utensils from his breakfast and restacked his tray.  “I’ve gotta go if I want to have time to brief the officers on their new squad assignments for the next exploratory.  Some of us don’t like waltzing in late in front of new cadets.”  He shot Eren another chiding look.

 

Eren let out an indignant huff, rolling up to his feet with a yawn.  He walked over to Jean and put his arms around him from behind, whispering something in his ear.  Jean’s expression went soft and sweet, and Levi felt invasive just watching.  A private moment, not meant for him to see, but he couldn’t pull his eyes away.  

 

Jean shook his head at whatever it was Eren said, waving it away.  Eren smiled.  Kissed Jean’s cheek.  Grabbed his ass halfheartedly, a thoughtless, well tread gesture, and then seemed to remember Levi was there all at once when Jean stepped away from his wandering hands.  Jean blushed, the pink barely visible by the light of the candles, and shoved at Eren, who was looking at Levi with vague concern.  Worried he’d made him uncomfortable.  Levi shrugged, hoping his face said the things he couldn’t put into words without stumbling over them.   _ It’s okay, I’m fine, don’t worry about me. _

 

_ I’m happy that he loves you. _

 

_ You deserve all the love.  Mine, and his. _

 

_ Anyone else worthy of you, because fuck knows I’m not. _

 

He must have managed ‘nonthreatening’ well enough, because Eren grinned, a pleased disbelieving smile that grew wider and wider until the room was alight with it.

 

“Shit,” Eren said, and Levi had never heard the word imbued with such wonder.

 

Eren kissed Jean on the cheek once more before walking into the bathroom and shutting the door behind him, leaving Jean and Levi to stare at one another.  Levi finger combed his hair, grimacing, putting off what he had to say next.

 

“I’m sorry, about this.  I should’ve gone home last night, I didn’t mean to… invade your space.  Just because you’re okay with… with me and Eren, doesn’t mean you should have it shoved in your face.”   _ It’s disrespectful,  _ he wanted to say, but Jean’s heavy sigh interrupted him.

 

“His teeth are in your neck, Levi.  You are literally covered in hickeys.  It’s not like I don’t know what you get up to when he goes to your house.”  Jean glanced over at the bathroom door, Eren clattering around on the other side of it, before turning back to Levi.  

 

“I have been in love with Eren for a long, long time.  Longer than I should have been.  When you and him were together, before everything happened…  I sort of hated you.  You had something I wanted, something I never thought I could have.  Then shit went down, and we lost everyone, and even when I got with Eren, I was still jealous of you.  Because I had him, but I didn’t really have him.  He was still…”  Jean gestured vaguely at Levi, “Carrying you around with him.  It took a while for me to realize him loving you didn’t mean he loved me any less.  There’s not some finite amount of emotion that has to be divided between us.  It will take some adjustment, but that’s what needs to happen.  We-” Jean pointed to Levi, then to himself, “Need to adjust.  You don’t have to tiptoe around me.  Eren shouldn’t have to worry about hurting our feelings.  I am done being jealous.  It is what it is, okay?”

 

The silence stretched on, tense and uncomfortable.

 

“You practice that, Kirstein?”  Levi didn’t mean to mock him, he really didn’t, but it was the first thing that fell out of his mouth.  Jean scowled and threw Eren’s dirty shirt at him, a tiny half smile forming on his face.  Levi caught the wad of fabric, holding it in his lap, clinging to it like a lifeline.

 

“Fuck you, Levi.  I didn’t plan on having this conversation at ass o’clock in the morning.  But I didn’t just decide overnight I was okay with all this.  I lost a lot of sleep, had a lot of arguments with myself.  I think it’s the right thing, though.  Even if it’s weird, right now.  I can’t speak for you, but Eren seems happy.  Actually happy, instead of getting lost in his own head every time it gets quiet.  I don’t want you getting all fucked up about coming to see him.  And not just because you’re having a rough time right now.  I’m not some dog who’s gonna bark at you for coming into my yard.”

 

Levi stared at Eren’s shirt, balling it up in his fists, chest tight.  He didn’t know what to say.  Found himself blinking too fast, eyes stinging, throat sore.  Eren had been in the bathroom for far too long, and Levi had a feeling he was giving them time to finish whatever it was they needed to say to one another.

 

But there was nothing more to say, besides-

 

“Thank you.”  He looked up to catch Jean shrugging again, grabbing a stack of papers off his desk.

 

“Nah, I didn’t do anything.”  Jean banged on the bathroom door, raising his voice.  “‘M gone.  See you at drills.”  He headed out, boots clicking on the floor, throwing Levi a nod.  “See you, Levi.”

 

Levi nodded back, and then Jean was gone.  Eren emerged from the bathroom smelling like mint, eyeing Levi cautiously.

 

“Everything okay?”

 

Yes and no.  Levi still felt like garbage, body craving something he wasn’t inclined to give it.  Shaky.  Unsettled.  Breathless and on edge.

 

“I’ll be fine.”

 

He’d said it a thousand times, and it was finally true.

 

Levi had been born in a place without sunshine.  Raised with a fist instead of a father.  Given a knife instead of a chance.

 

Levi’s whole life had been made up of blades and blood and battle.  One after another, an endless procession of struggle.  But he’d clawed his way from beneath the earth to fight titans, and won.

 

The siren’s song of a bottle wasn’t nothing, but Levi had defeated greater monsters already.

 

The strange ties between the three of them were fragile and new, but Levi had navigated more intricate labyrinths before this.

 

Eren was late to drills, and Levi smiled all the way home.

  
  


**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Not Enough](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7050205) by [Ivillpunchyouinthethroat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ivillpunchyouinthethroat/pseuds/Ivillpunchyouinthethroat)




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